It’s always easier to drive from the passenger seat.

It is always a slippery slope, whether it is because we saw something on the news, heard something said at the table beside us or read something in the media, we are quick to judge.  It is that natural response…”well if it was up to me…” or “if that were my kid…” Fact is, it isn’t up to us or our kid.

I practice (and I say practice because it is exactly what I need to do as it doesn’t come naturally) not judging.  It is the hardest thing that I do.  There are days, when I don’t keep my ego in check and I judge with the best of them.  Yes, I sometimes believe there is an easier path, a stronger discipline or a better colour.  I may even, under my breath, find a snarky response to a perceived foolish statement or act.  I am not so naive as to think others have not done the same in their review of me.

Recently, I attended the last class of my negotiation/mediation designation.  We role played for 5 long days.  Never has it been more clear to me that it is easier to drive from the passenger seat.  My classmates struggled (as did I) with our leadership as mediator.  Two more students played the characters of the scenario at intensities that may or may not reflect real life.  The rest of us watched and critiqued.  Guess who has the easiest task?

Here is the funny thing;  as I sit in a room with friends and family, with comments of judgement being made around me by passengers who all know a better path,  I CAN (I hope) in a kind and gentle way, state that there is always another side to the story.  We need to accept and trust that the drivers (with rare exception) are doing their best and have no intent on killing passengers.  Maybe if we judged less, there would be less hurt and a whole pile more kindness in the world.

So that’s my plan.  I will be a thankful passenger in this life journey.  One that continues to PRACTICE at the very least, less judging.  One that helps others, when it is appropriate, by my example, to do the same.

Bloom where you are Planted!

There are no more sleeps.  I have been here now for 11 days and D and I are working through building our new life together.  There is a part of this, that is simply getting to know each other in a way that is forever rather than from a suitcase.  The part that comes with sticky pieces.

There is combining of quirks and combining of things or “just stuff” as I tend to call it.  There is combining of love, space, kitchen gadgets, memories and hurts.  There is a combining that both of us so desperately want, making our house a home.  Making us a couple, and making the two a family.

This home takes my breath away each time we return.  The age (175 years), the history (as a church rectory), the scenery that must be experienced in person to truly have impact and the potential for a new future.  I get a do over.  I get to be whomever I wish to be.  I get to do that in the presence of a man, who has taken a chance with his heart again and given it to me.

My dear friend Karen tells me to “bloom where I am planted”.  It is my mantra these days.  When I am afraid by what I have given up to be here, relationships, my home, my job.  When I think about how I will fit in here whether that be with new friends or a new job (yet to be found).  The transitions have not been easy.  There have been tears, moments of “what have I done?”  None of these times however are about where I am or who I am with, but rather what is unknown.

Had I thought 5 years ago, when I laid on the floor, exhausted of every emotion I could possibly feel, that this is where I would be, perhaps I would have worried less, cried less, embraced each day more.  I can’t imagine now, as I couldn’t then, where I will be in this new life path a year from now, let alone 5.  But what I know is if I trust, and I bloom where I am planted, solidly in this home with this amazing man, I will be better.  I will trust that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

The Benefit of an UN-List

List!  They are daunting and disappointing.  I know people that need lists.  I know people that embrace lists, even I need a list but I can tell you I don’t want a list!

So this is where does the UN-list comes in.  What about “listing all the things that I have done, rather than the things I need to do?

This was a blog I wrote 4 years ago.  Still relevant. Still the same UN-list of accomplishments.  This is an attitude shift moment so bear with me as we do this together.

“I decide to take the dog for a walk. As I head to the front door, I pass the kitchen counter and realize the cup from last night needs to be put in the dishwasher. It is then that I realize the dishes in the dishwasher are clean so I need to put them away.  As I head towards the dishwasher, I notice letters on the counter that I picked up from the post box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I put the dishes away.

I put my house keys on the counter that I needed to grab because I was taking the dog for a walk, put the junk mail in the garbage and realize it is full and needs to be emptied.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post box when I take the dog for a walk anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go upstairs to my desk where I find the cup of tea I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the tea aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. The tea is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head back down stairs toward the kitchen with the cold tea, a plant on the living room table catches my eye – the flowers need water. I put the tea-cup on the kitchen table and discover my glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the kitchen table, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. I must have accidentally brought it downstairs last night and left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the plant. I pour some water in the pot, but quite a bit of it spills on the table and the floor. So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. The towel is soiled and needs to be put in the laundry.  While I am headed up to the laundry basket I might as well gather the rest of the laundry on the main floor like the kitchen cloth and hand towel in the 1/2 bath. Then, I head up to the laundry trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The dog didn’t get walked.
The bills aren’t paid.
There is a cold cup of tea sitting on the kitchen work-surface.
The plants don’t have enough water.
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book.
I can’t find the remote.
I can’t find my glasses.
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…..”

Sound familiar?

So, Here is where the attitude shift kicks in. Let’s try the positive approach, because that is far more….positive….

What I did do today:

I walked 6281 steps according to my iPhone

I got dressed

Had a shower

Made my bed

Played with Sophia

Called two friends

Had coffee with a third and forth friend and managed a few rows on the cuff of a sock.

I made at least 5 people laugh

I laughed

I planned and began a meal for friends for tomorrow evening

I made banana muffins that I was able to collect a few that weren’t burnt because…

I washed the kitchen floor twice – because while baking muffins I knocked over a jar of raspberry jam in the pantry which promptly exploded leaving what looked like a squirrel hit by a 22cal. rifle in its wake.

I sang

I danced

I wrote

I rolled a ball of yarn to begin a Christmas gift

I packaged up the meat in the appropriate portion sizes for the freezer that I bought at COSTCO the night before

I taste sampled the stew for tomorrow night’s meal which btw will be awesome!

I fell asleep in the chair at 9 and was in bed at 10

 

– Un-listed and Un-accomplished.  A day well spent.